Check out this post by Bryan Parys over at The Good Men Project. Entitled Superman of the House, Bryan reflects on the message he received from his dying father, “A lot of the weight of the man of the house will be on your shoulders.” Bryan was four years old at the time.
I really enjoyed this piece because it honestly discusses the struggle of trying to fulfill the role and expectations of being the “man of the house” while trying to define and clarify what that even means. What does that even look like when you are trying to engage in an egalitarian relationship, especially in Bryan’s situation with a baby on the way?
I remember the discussions my partner and I had when we moved in together. We were very careful about trying to divide everything equally down the middle to ensure everyone was doing their part. That proved impossible. It was never perfectly equal in terms of time, energy, and amount of effort.
Our best solution has been to remain flexible and help the other person out when they need it. It never comes out equal but things get done. Each couple will negotiate what they want, need and can tolerate. At the end of the day, our house is clean, the puppies are fed and we are happy. I don’t even want to try and wrap my mind around how adding a baby would complicate that formula!
Check out the powerful video below from Tony Porter speaking at TED. I saw Tony speak at a CALCASA Training institute this summer in Las Vegas, but didn’t get a chance to hear some of the stories he tells in this video. As some of you may know, Tony is the cofounder of the national group A Call to Men who strive to engage men in actively ending violence against women through examining unhealthy and healthy aspects of masculinity. Click here to visit Tony’s page on TED’s website.
Over the summer, I attended a workshop hosted by Men Can Stop Rape where they did an exercise with the audience called Real Man/Strong Man. The exercised revolved around the pressure from society that demands a guy be a “real man” (rich, powerful, competitive, domineering, stoic, etc.) and contrasting it with the “strong man” of how men actually are (kind, compassionate, courageous, assertive, supportive, etc.). The exercise ended with the sentiment that we should acknowledge with the struggle each man and boy goes through everyday; to be the real man society wants them to be or the strong man they want to be.
I thought that exact same thing when I heard Ke$ha’s new song Grow a Pear. Upfront, I want to say that I am not interested in having a character debate about Ke$ha. I have no problem with Ke$ha. I want to discuss the message in the lyrics of this song. What message does this send men and boys about how they should behave if they want to get a date or have sex?* What message does it send women about the criteria for choosing a guy to date or have sex with? Below are just a few lyrics from the song to get you thinking. Feel free to listen to the song elsewhere and draw your own conclusions.
Click Read More for the lyrics and a brief discussion of relationship dynamics…
Despite being involved in gender equality, anti-violence, and social justice work, I had never heard of International Men’s Day until a week ago. Fortunately, I heard about it the day before it happens. On November 19, 1999 the first International Men’s Day was celebrated in Trinidad and Tobago. This year’s theme is Our Children, Our Future highlighting the work that needs to be done to address issues regarding childhood poverty, health, and education.
I must admit that I know little about this movement or its purpose. I am sure it attracts people from all over the spectrum of gender issues. However, there are links and material from the site included in this post. You can decide how and if you are going to celebrate International Men’s Day and what it means for you. For me, it is an opportunity to reflect about all of the positive male mentors, role models, teachers and friends that I have had the privilege of knowing. I’ll make it a point to discuss the positives aspects of masculinity and how they can be used to improve ourselves and our communities.
Click Read More to learn about the objectives of International Men’s Day and my attempt at acknowledging and thanking the important male role models in my life.
This post is important on several levels. Today, Army Staff Sgt. Salvatore A. Giunta from Hiawatha, Iowa became the first living medal of honor recipient in 40 years. He was inducted into the Hall of Heroes, an honor which only 3,400 Americans have received. In 2007, Giunta’s platoon was ambushed in the Korengal Valley in Afghanistan and cut off from the rest of the squad. Sgt. Josh Brennan was hit 8 times and Sgt. Franklin Eckrode was hit 4 times by enemy fire. Giunta was hit twice but advanced to attack two Taliban fighters who were dragging Brennan away. He killed one Taliban fighter, wounded the other and rescued Brennan. The ambush was so intense that every single member of the platoon was struck by enemy fire. Giunta performed an act above and beyond the call of duty, the principle standard for receipt of the Medal of Honor.
However, Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association believes that we have feminized the medal of honor. Fischer has an issue with medals of honor being issues for saving lives instead of taking lives. According to Fischer “So the question is this: when are we going to start awarding the Medal of Honor once again for soldiers who kill people and break things so our families can sleep safely at night? I would suggest our culture has become so feminized that we have become squeamish at the thought of the valor that is expressed in killing enemy soldiers through acts of bravery. We know instinctively that we should honor courage, but shy away from honoring courage if it results in the taking of life rather than in just the saving of life. So we find it safe to honor those who throw themselves on a grenade to save their buddies.” So many things wrong with that sentiment I can barely contain myself. I’m not sure I can even put it into words. I have no idea what feminized means or why it should be considered a bad thing. Has anyone seen the documentary Lioness about female combat veterans? Read the statements from Sgt. Giunta below and watch the interview with him. If his actions, humility, bravery and courage are represented by an award and a culture that is considered feminized, then our society would benefit greatly from getting in touch with its feminine side.
Click Read More to watch an interview with Sgt. Giunta and his gracious reaction to being called a hero.
“I get the feeling of becoming a Billy Elliot – I dance, he dances; his dad don’t like him to dance, my dad don’t like me to dance.” – 9 year old Harvey Pratt, member of the all boy cheerleading troupe.
Earlier this month, the BBC ran a great story about an all boy cheerleading club from a “tough housing estate” in Yorkshire, England. About 40 boys make up the Dazl Diamonds, who range in age from 3-15 years old. According to founder and head coach, Ian Rodley, Dazl Diamonds is one of four other all-boy teams in the world today.
Cheerleading seems to have had a tremendously positive impact on these boys’ lives in terms of confidence, happiness, and performance at school. Predictably, most have struggled with acceptance from classmates and family. The article highlights the pressure placed on children to conform to traditional gender role stereotypes. Many of our ideas about appropriate gender roles can be traced back to the gender socialization we experienced as children and adolescents.
From birth, children are barraged with gendered expectations about “correct” and “incorrect” behaviors. Nothing is off limits from the style of their clothes to the color of their rooms. Boys are encouraged to be tough, competitive and to excel at sports. Girls are encouraged to downplay their aggressive tendencies and focus on relationships and compromise. Transgeder children? Few in our society even recognize they exist.
It takes courage for anyone, especially children, to break away from the norms, even slightly. The pressure on the children who don’t easily conform can be immense. Imagine adding pink pompoms to the equation. The good news is that these boys have the support of their parents, coaches and their adoring fans.
Much of my day is spent in an elementary school working with children. Daily, I witness the difficulties faced by boys who don’t happen to enjoy football, or girls who do, which took me back to my own experiences as a kid on the playground. Overall, not much has changed, but the small bit that has makes a world of difference for some individuals. It’s good to hear positive stories like this one out of England. You can find the Dazl Diamonds on Facebook or on their website.
(This post marks the first post, of hopefully many, authored by a MAC member besides myself. Once he decides how he wishes to identify himself on here, we’ll set him up with his own gravatar and publication privileges!)
Whether you are friends or enemies, hooking up or getting down…you have the right to be treated with respect and the responsibility to be a respectful partner. But what exactly does a healthy relationship look like? How do you get and give respect? And what’s up with all the drama? Yeah…we weren’t quite sure either. So we’re hitting the streets of Providence to talk to you (yes you) about everything from relationships and rumors to dramas and dating. We know you’re busy, so we might stage a surprise performance or a pull friendly prank to get your attention. Our goal is to get young people to talk about healthy relationships and hook up with respect.
That is the description of the website hkupwithrespect. It is a pretty cool website. Teenagers post a situation and users vote about whether it is Cool (The situation is healthy. I would hook up with that!), Not cool (The situation is unhealthy. Talk it out or break it off!) or Whatever (The situation is too close to call. I’ll post comment to make it clear.)
If you want to post a comment on the story, you can click on it and get a breakdown of what other people thought and see any other comments.
Hkupwithrespect also has a section of movies where they have interviewed individuals about the content of some of the stories and got their reactions. You can find them on Facebookand Youtube. Check out this post on Tonic for more information about the website.
A clip went out over the Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity listserv the other day. It is a video by Levni Yilmaz from his YouTube channel Tales of Mere Existence. I had never seen any of Yilmaz’s material before and was really impressed by the quality and content of the clips. He has a great style that involves deadpan humor mixed with existential issues. I found several clips that would be great discussion starters when working with or teaching about men’s issues and masculinities. Of the few clips I have watched, Yilmaz addressed being a boyfriend, the evolution of his relationship with his father, the grief and loss that follows a breakup, how he learned about girls, and messages about masculinity.
The particular clip that went out over the listserv was his How to be a man? clip below. Two lines from the clip that struck me are:
A real should be able to close one eye, look at the position of the sun and be able to tell you what time it is
So far being a man doesn’t feel much different from being an old kid
Click Read More for more clips from Tales of Mere Existence and a brief exercise about societal definitions about masculinity.
I’m really excited to announce that author and activist, Holly Kearl will be at The University of Iowa this month to discuss street harassment. The Men’s Anti-Violence Council is cosponsoring the event with the UI Feminist Majority Leadership Alliance. The event is free and open to the public. It is on Thursday October, 21 at 7:15 p.m. in 100 Philips Hall.
Street harassment doesn’t have a formal definition. I find it easy to think of it how Holly describes it on her blog, sexual harassment that happens in public. A good start is to think of all of the behaviors and language that would be inappropriate or illegal at work or in the classroom. It could be disrespectful, unwelcome, threatening, harassing and is most often of a sexual nature.
Holly’s lecture will begin with several students from the university describing their experiences and reactions to street harassment. Hopefully, we’ll get a discussion going about the potential intersection of race, class, perceived sexual orientation and gender on the occurence of street harassment. There will be time for Q&A after the presentation.
One of the most important aspects of Holly’s work, and what I am the most excited about, is how to create an effective response in reducing and preventing the behavior. Discussing how recipients, witnesses and the community can respond is a major focus of our work at MAC. Stop by and join in the discussion. You can download the flierhere.
So I stumbled across this really great anti-violence/gender equality website from Harvard the other day. I mistyped Shira Tarrant’s book Men Speak Out(wonderful book by the way, check it out!) by searching for Men Speak Up.
What I found was a very crisp, well-designed website with some great, authentic videos of why Harvard men care about gender equality. The layout is easy to navigate. The content is succinct and engaging. It definitely looks like they are on the right track. I’d like to see a little more content added to the Take Action Section. Maybe they’ll get in touch with MAC and we can help them fill up that page!
I could tell you all about it but you can watch the video below and they can tell you themselves.
You can check out the rest of the videos here.One of my favorite quotes from the videos is “Social progress is made when people come together across lines of difference.”
I’m really excited to announce that author and activist, Holly Kearl will be at The University of Iowa this month to discuss street harassment. The Men’s Anti-Violence Council is cosponsoring the event with the UI Feminist Majority Leadership Alliance. The event is free and open to the public. It is on Thursday October, 21 at 7:15 p.m. in 100 
