Drinks a man should never order…

Thanks to feministing.com for linking to a post from Sociological Images about alcoholic drinks that men should never order. I’m glad that I found this post because on the infrequent occasion that I order a drink, I’ve apparently been doing it all wrong. I’ve been ordering drinks that I think taste good and that I enjoy. I’m used to talking about subtle, covert gender policing and sexism, so I am not really sure what commentary I can add to these rules.

See the slideshow below for one random guy who used to own a bar and his opinion about drinks men should never order. Thanks WPLG Miami for covering this hard hitting piece of news and providing me with something to mock this afternoon.

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You know what, I do have some commentary to add because these rules are incomplete and confusing. Click the link to see how I clarify this mess.

Those sure were some special rules. However, I have some questions and suggestions.

• “Nothing blended unless you’re on the beach.” What about if I am close to or right off of a beach? I’ve never actually ordered a drink directly on the beach. I’ve carried a drink to the beach. Should I have a woman carry my drink for me until I am actually on the beach and then take it from there?
• “Jello shots or any variety of neon shots with about as much alcohol as a juice box.” I don’t know what juice boxes you grew up on but most juice boxes have between 4-6 oz. of liquid. That would mean drinking 4-6 times the amount of alcohol in a typical shot. That isn’t manly? I thought my gender was encouraged to binge drink!
• “Anything with an obscene amount of garnish.” I agree with this if there is so much garnish you can’t actually fit any liquid in the glass or if it becomes a safety hazard. But how much is too much garnish? Is it by size, number of garnishes, or by weight? If you are going to create these arbitrary rules that I am going to follow blindly, make them specific as possible!
• “Anything that requires a straw. It’s hard to look coy with a straw, it’s nearly impossible to look macho or hot when using one.” You mean I shouldn’t be slurping on my Capri Sun at the club?  Trust me, I don’t look coy or hot after a couple drinks anyway, straw or not. To prove how manly straws can be, I am only using this straw with my drinks from now on.
• “Malt beverages that don’t come in 40 ounces.” Do a lot of people order a 40 at the club? I don’t want 40 ounces of any liquid. I will compromise though. I will order a 40 ounce malt beverage but only if I can share it with my closest guy friends and we all drink from it at the same time through twisty straws.
• “Any kind of alcohol, besides scotch, ordered neat suggests that you’re a frequent drinker.” Two things. You just told me to order a 40, but in this rule you are worried about me appearing  like a frequent drinker? Which is it? Also, I thought ordering hard liquor neat, like whiskey, was a manly thing to do. Are you trying to make these confusing?
• “Anything that ends in “tini” but isn’t an honest martini made of gin or vodka and vermouth.” I think we should really crack down on this rule. We need to extend it to exclude any drink with “-tini” in it, even honest martinis. Men should constantly be worried about their manhood and should never risk ordering a martini because it includes the sound “tini” and you should never do anything that suggests to others that you are in anyway “teeny.”
• “White Zinfandel- This needs no explanation.” Because drinking a glass of cheap, pink wine is less classy than stumbling around clutching 40 ounces of malt liquor?

The slide show ends with a picture of a glass of beer with instructions to talk to an experienced bartender for assistance. Assistance? You just told me I couldn’t drink anything but beer and malt liquor! We should probably rule out that beer too. It looks a little too yellow for me, if you know what I mean. You certainly don’t want anyone thinking you are a coward.