Defining men’s space and place in feminism

I thought I would post something personal about myself and share a bit about my struggle and reactions regarding my role as a man in feminism. I’ve struggled with this issue since I began this work. It was activated again during a conference I went to last week during a discussion about What are men’s roles in this gender equality, anti-violence, feminist, pro-feminist movement?

How do we define our space; listen; remain active; assert ourselves without dominating; assess what’s needed, and do the necessary preparation to be engaged and helpful in preventing violence, sexism, heterosexism, racism, etc? This emerged during the St. John’s University conference on campus-based gender equality and anti-violence groups last week. Men who have been doing this work for decades struggled and disagreed about how to invite, engage and describe the experience for the next generation of young male activists.

There are two radically different experiences that I have heard again and again from men who are involved in working with feminist/pro-feminist, anti-violence, gender equality group and/or women’s center.

The first group of men experiences a significant amount of distrust and suspicion. These men report feeling attacked and challenged. They must defend themselves, their actions and gender every step along the way. For some, this reinforcers their preconceived notions of who feminists are and that these issues aren’t really for men. The ones who survive the trial by fire reach the mountaintop. They have increased awareness and knowledge about how their masculinity and privilege impacts their lives and the lives of those around them. Ironically, they are often the ones that call for men in this movement to “suck it up” and “take it like a man” when discussing feminist suspicion and distrust. The ones who don’t survive become disillusioned, quit the movement prematurely and fade back into the crowd.

The flip side are the men who are welcomed into the movement open arms, wide smiles, and ice cream sundaes. They receive ample encouragement, plenty of praise, and pats on the back. The group is so excited to actually get men involved that they are willing to let some things slide so that the men “don’t get too uncomfortable.” These men are the “good ones who get it.” These men rarely have to do any real work because they are accommodated and coddled. They are rarely forced to examine anything related to the cause, maintenance, persistence or outcome of the issues and what role they serve in each of those areas. They serve as a figure-head to gain other men’s attention and give legitimacy to the program. Some may eventually become aware of the issues and persist. Others quit. Without the preparation and challenge involved to succeed in this work, they have no vested interest or sense of commitment. Praise and rewards are meaningless unless there was a struggle to obtain them.

I still struggle with these issues. I am constantly trying to monitor when I cross the line and dominate conversations. Part of me knows that I have to listen and learn from those who came before me and those who are standing beside me. The other part gets impatient and reminds me that if I remain silent for too long, than I am not contributing. Sometimes I look like I am listening because I am too afraid of saying something, being wrong and confirming someone’s secret suspicion. I struggle with my role as a man, husband, and feminist activist every day and in most interactions. I try to maintain eye contact. I try not to interrupt. Sometimes I get so excited that I can’t contain it. Other times, I interrupt because I am tired of what’s being said. I enjoy the praise and congratulations. I do feel like I am making a difference. I do want to be a “good guy.” However, I realize that I still choose whenever I identify myself as a feminist. I pay attention to who can hear me when I say it. That’s my privilege. I can step in and out of this issue whenever it is convenient and whenever it suits me. I’m trying. Part of my growth has been realizing that I need others to help me. I need female, male, and trans allies from all different demographics to support and challenge me. I need them to help me stretch and grow and define my place in feminism. Thoughts?